I used to obsess over making the holidays perfect. Christmas cards were sent out by the end of the first week of December, the house was decorated over Thanksgiving weekend, and the presents were wrapped and put under the tree on Christmas Eve. Who was I doing it for? Why was I doing it? What did I get out of it?
I was on a mission to prove to my family, in-laws, friends, and neighbors that my life was progressing beautifully and that I had it together. However, that was the biggest lie! My life wasn't perfect; in fact, the walls were crumbling down around me so fast I didn't know what to do. In the end, I was exhausted. No one came around and admired my decorating or cooking skills. XH got drunk, crashed into the Christmas tree, and was then later hospitalized for an emotional breakdown. And I ended up more upset and more alone than I had ever been.
See, I had this screwed up notion in my head that if I did all these things then the holidays would be perfect and everything would be wonderful--just the way it's supposed to be! Of course, the exact opposite happened and I ended up having major resentments towards anyone and everything in my path.
This holiday season, I'm going to take it one moment at a time and enjoy it all. I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to have that "warm holiday glow" (whatever that "really" is). However, I can't force any of that to happen. It just will.
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