Beating the Holiday Blues: Expectations are Premeditated Resentments?

I used to obsess over making the holidays perfect. Christmas cards were sent out by the end of the first week of December, the house was decorated over Thanksgiving weekend, and the presents were wrapped and put under the tree on Christmas Eve.

Who was I doing it for? Why was I doing it? What did I get out of it?

I was on a mission to prove to my family, in-laws, friends, and neighbors that my life was progressing beautifully and that I had it together. However, that was the biggest lie! My life wasn't perfect; in fact, the walls were crumbling down around me so fast I didn't know what to do. In the end, I was exhausted. No one came around and admired my decorating or cooking skills. XH got drunk, crashed into the Christmas tree, and was then later hospitalized for an emotional breakdown. And I ended up more upset and more alone than I had ever been.

See, I had this screwed up notion in my head that if I did all these things then the holidays would be perfect and everything would be wonderful--just the way it's supposed to be! Of course, the exact opposite happened and I ended up having major resentments towards anyone and everything in my path.

This holiday season, I'm going to take it one moment at a time and enjoy it all. I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to have that "warm holiday glow" (whatever that "really" is). However, I can't force any of that to happen. It just will.

Beating the Holiday Blues: Put yourself in the mood!

The holidays can be festive and wonderful, but for anyone who is going through a difficult time in December, this time of year can be unbearable. Last year, I was separated from my husband and everywhere I looked was a reminder of a life I wasn't going to have. I blame Facebook. Most of my friends on Facebook are from high school and college and they're married, with 1-2 kids, and in perfect houses. Seeing their status updates about great their holidays were was one thing, seeing pictures was so difficult! I should have just stayed away from Facebook, but I like to torture myself. Haha.

This year things are a little different and I have a lot to be thankful for (divorced, seeing a wonderful guy, house debt paid off, have my own place, great friends), so why am I battling the holiday blues? I'm just reflecting on the past year, how much has happened, and thinking to myself how much time I wasted/how stupid I was to spend it with my ex. I'm so irritated that my life has gotten "off track" and I feel like I'm playing catch up. However, I can't let those thoughts get to me. I have to take each day as it comes and enjoy it for what it is.

I want to dedicate this week's blog posts to beating the holiday blues. I think the first step is to put oneself in the mood. My apartment is decorated, but I haven't stepped back to appreciate it. Today when I got home from the grocery store, I turned on the lights, lit some candles (love the Almond Cookie and Sparkling Vanilla scents from Yankee Candle), and cranked up some Christmas carols. Later on, I plan on wrapping some presents and enjoying some sweets while watching a Christmas movie. I love White Christmas, but watched that last weekend. I'm thinking the George C. Scott version of A Christmas Carol unless I find something better on TV.

I hope this series of posts will help you or someone you know. A word of caution about getting into the holiday spirit--there is too much of a good thing. I just had to turn off the Christmas music because it was getting to be too much. I was either going to break down and cry or throw something at the TV--2 things I don't want to happen! However, I'm still happy and enjoying the moment minus the Christmas tunes.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post: Expectations are Pre-meditated Resentments.

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays!

I had zero motivation to decorate for the holidays. Usually I put up the Christmas decorations during Thanksgiving weekend, but I was out car shopping. Honestly, I put it off for awhile because the thought of dragging out the boxes and bringing up all those memories of a life I don't have anymore, depressed the heck out of me. I started small with my knick knacks before dragging out the tree.
Here's a picture of the liquor cabinet decor. A small gold Christmas tree, Yankee Candle, nativity set, hurricane vase with red and gold ball ornaments, and Christmas cards. It's a lot going on for such a small space, but I have to work with what I got!This "Let It Snow" snowmen trio sits to the left of the liquor cabinet. I bought it at Walgreens a few years ago and the cool feature of this piece is that it has scarecrows on the back for fall decor.

Originally I thought this garland was going to look silly (I tried to hand a lighted leaf garland in the same place for fall...TACKY). I think the mistletoe ball hanging in the middle nicely finishes this area.
I love this PEACE sign. It's another drugstore bargain and it fills out this wall beautifully.

The china hutch is always my favorite furniture piece to decorate. I kept it simple: 2 snowflake ornaments hanging off the doors, 2 Glade holiday scented candles, a hand-painted Santa's sleigh with pinecones, a hand-painted Christmas tree, and a snowmen couple figurine.

Here's a close up of the snowflakes, my Dollar Store bargains, that I have hanging on the hutch and also off the lamps throughout the apartment.

Finally, the Christmas tree--complete with one of my cats, Braley, butting in for some camera time. Please ignore the hideous vertical blinds in the background--one of the joys of apartment living. I'm so happy with how the tree turned out this year. I didn't obsess over where every ornament should be placed. I just put the ornaments up and I'm loving the haphazard, full look of the tree. Now I just need some presents to put under the tree, but for right now, my cats are happy to have a new place to nap.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Disaster Breeds Hope

Well I don't have to worry about that dent in the right side of my car anymore. On November 18, I was driving home from school when the driver of a GMC Sierra truck passed out (he had 3 hours of sleep and was taking meds for his PTSD), hit my car, and then crashed into a Jeep SUV in front of me. My car is totaled and I had to go to the ER, get X-rayed, and get medication.

I tried to get as much rest as I could (I was even ordered to be on bed rest for 3 days by my doctor). However that proved difficult. Getting the rental car, dealing with the guy's insurance company, car shopping, writing up substitute lesson plans, and dealing with the ex-husband were all on my "to do" list.

Somehow, everything worked out. I have awesome co-workers and they took care of my work stuff, I got a check for $10k for my car, and I found a new-to-me car that I love! Once I got that check, I was excited to go car shopping but XH first had to sign some papers with me to allow the insurance company to pay off the rest of the car loan. That meant XH found out how much $$$ I was getting from this car accident. Long story short, we're going to try to use the settlement money to pay off the loan on our house we had to short sale. If the mortgage company accepts our offer, this will end the last connection I have with the XH. Please pray that this works out!

So how did I get my "new-to-me" car if I'm using the insurance pay out for the mortgage? I applied for a car loan and was APPROVED. Now the APR is crazy, but the payment is affordable and paying on it each month will help rebuild my credit. I'm so happy that financially speaking, things are coming together and I'm moving on with my life!

Don't ever complain

Let's face it, my life has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions over the past couple of years. It was only when I decided to kick XH to curb, get a divorce, and basically restart my life that things calmed down. I lead a pretty serene life now and I find myself every once in awhile craving drama. It's my drug. I need drama going on and something to freak about and "fix." It's such a high...lol.

I've been hunting for any new piece of drama I could find. I realize that I'm digging around into other people's lives and I really just need to stop and mind my own business. Yet I continue to complain that my life is so dull now.

Well, God heard me and decided to give me some drama. You know, just to keep things interesting. I took the day off work on Friday to get my car's inspection and oil change done. I go out to my car, get in, and notice there's a piece of paper on my windshield. I looked to my left and right to see if those cars had flyers on them as well. Nope. I got out, read the note, and then saw the damage.

So now begins the shopping around for estimates and insurance hassles. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. But at the same time, it will make my life exciting for a bit. How sick is this cycle?!? Welcome to my life :)

Decorating My Closet

Living in an apartment offers many challenges. One of those challenges is big desire to desire to decorate and a lack of wall space. I've decorated my living room, kitchen, dining "room," bathroom, and bedroom, but I've still got the bug. After I cleaned out and re-organized my walk-in-closet this summer, I really do enjoy going in there now and picking out my outfit for the day.

So, why not jazz things up in there and make it really fun? I was thinking of doing a Paris fashion theme (i.e. tres chic/o-la-la) to tie in with the other Paris stuff I have going on throughout the apartment, but wanted something a little different. Today I was in Michael's and saw a Gone With the Wind poster. The light bulb went off! A GWTW themed closet is perfect! For those of you who don't know me, I'm obsessed with this movie! I've been collecting GWTW memorabilia and GWTW Hallmark Christmas ornaments for a long time now. I also have all these pictures from old calendars and ones I bought in Atlanta that I can use to make it special. The poster I bought today (pictured above) is one of my favorite quotes from the movie. I rushed home from Michael's and put it up in my closet. Hanging the poster in the closet, where I'll see it everyday, will remind me that I'm a strong woman who deserves the best as well as how lucky I am to have S. in my life. Yeah, he's my Clark Gable :)

I'm so excited to see this "room" come together. Check back for updates :)

Holiday Decorating Blues

Downsizing from a 2000 square foot house to a 880 square foot apartment has zapped my enthusiasm for fall decorating. I'm irritated that I no longer have a front porch, fireplace mantle, built-in bookshelves, and a formal dining room. Those features really allowed me to have fun with decorating and make the house feel like home. About a month ago, I culled through some of my fall decor and got rid of a few things that I felt I could live without. A few weeks ago, I pulled out my autumn kitchen towels and bought some candles. I couldn't bring myself to drag out my boxes from storage and start decorating the apartment.

So, instead of grading papers today, I sucked it up and got out the boxes. I was disappointed I couldn't find a nice way to display my lighted leaf garland. Every way I tried looked tacky. Now maybe if I was 20-something years old, I would have tacked it up on the wall or something, but not now. I was also going to drag out some cute Halloween stuff too, but I just didn't have room.

I came to realize that I just needed to put out the pieces I really loved and be happy with it. In the end, I just have my china hutch, liquor cabinet, and a small wall decorated. Instead of putting a wreath on my front door, it's hanging on a wall. I'm usually not a fan of putting up faux flowers on my walls, but I didn't want to take the chance of putting it outside on my door plus I couldn't find my wreath hanger! I'll post more pictures later once I get my dining room table cleared off and set up.